I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
you traded sex for a burrito?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize