i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
