why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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