i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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