I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
