Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
