I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We had to coat check the pizza.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
