R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
