What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
