You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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