why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
