I'm jealous of your bromance
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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