so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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