Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
