i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
and you fell through a lawn chair
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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