Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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