oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
