I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
