I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
