No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
