You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
