I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
