If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
