Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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