the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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