OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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