Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
