Where did you get a picture of my penis
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
