he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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