Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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