Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Randomize
