I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
