Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
