did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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