She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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