he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize