At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
