What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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