Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
