Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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