wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
