sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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