Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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