She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize