Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
