it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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