So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
