wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize