lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I CAN MOONWALK!
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
