Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
How does one acquire holy water?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
