Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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