Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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