so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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