My liver just broke up with me...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
