No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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