That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
