party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I think my fart just growled at me.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
