it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
