If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
